Photo by Keenan Constance
I must say I did myself a huge injustice when I criminalized the games of courtship/ confusing them with playing games. The former should be blissful, fun, explorative, a tad unpredictable, but I feared them. In much the same way that I feared many simple things of enjoyment, things that were never my fears to begin with. I feared the latter/ what I witnessed of others.
Feared becoming what I hated, without knowing who I was.
Feared the arousal of pleasure, without owning the cause.
Feared what led to such acts of neglect/ cowardice/ abuse.
Those things that ripped true at the things I loved/ and cherished/ and admired/ and fawned over/ those things that occurred in most man if not all.
I was taught love but not how to love. Born with love to give, but not the way to give it. Some shy away from love, some are abused by it, some have no idea what love is or how to receive it. My own love was too much. I think it is the same for others, not knowing how, and then being afraid to try, and those attempts failing harshly, not sure how to try again, what example to follow, to copy. Don't games have instructions?
I still harbor the old fears, afraid to let them go. I am at want for the game I lost.